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Whiffle

Early yesterday morning, Mr. Jacob Ruskellon, of no certain address, was brutally assaulted in a local parking lot by two youths wielding plastic Whiffle balls.

Mr. Ruskellon, a self-employed businessman, claims he was approached by the two youths as he was beginning his deposit can and bottle reclamation business. They began taunting Ruskellon when he refused to give them any of his cans, and then stuck fruit roll-ups all over his beard. As Ruskellon attempted to walk away from his assailants, one of them grabbed his shopping cart and the other began pelting him with a white Whiffle ball. Soon the other attacker joined in with another ball until they had knocked the man to the ground.

"They kept picking up the balls and throwing them at me," the bearded entrepreneur said. "As I covered up to protect myself the punks ran off with my cart."

Ruskellon, who suffered severe swelling and Whiffle pockmarks, was treated at a local hospital. Doctors there said it was the worst case of Whiffle ball assault they had ever seen, but that in a few days the swelling should subside and the whistling noises in his head should diminish.

Police said Ruskellon described both youths as being of minimum height and intelligence. The police also believe that there is no connection between this case and the one last month involving an elderly woman and a Nerf football.

Story by:

Tom Luddecke

28 November 2012