A Buck A Head
Fed up with freakiní aliens carving my corn fields into crop circles, I lay in wait in the dark with a machine gun and 10,000 rounds of ammunition.
Around midnight, a glowing disk descended and hovered over the last section that hadn't been turned into a damn Martian art museum. Out jumped the biggest, meanest looking bastard I'd ever seen through a night scope. Before he had a chance to use the chain saw strapped to his back, I fired a 100-round burst. Blew his ugly head off.
I called Homeland Security. Calling me a jerk, they warned about wasting their time with goofy stories. Then they hung up.
I took the alienís head to Washington, and set up a tent to display the freakin' thing. Charged a buck a head. Hoped to make enough to recover the cost of all the crops ruined when Mr. Martian van Gogh used his chain saw on my cornfields.
I made a million bucks. Plus, me and the head were on Oprah, and a hundred other shows. Today, I got $500,000 advance to write a book. Now, Hollywoodís interested.
Iím auctioning the head on eBay. Whoever wins gets the alien's chain saw as a bonus. However, shipping costs will be stiff. The headís made of dense, unidentifiable metal. The post office says it'll cost $97,000 to deliver it via first class priority mail.
Before bidding, make sure your mailbox is big enough.
submitted at 9:07am
22 May 2009
Michael's stories have been published by 108 magazines and 30 anthologies.