Dr. Zanker invented an amazing serum. When inoculated with his miracle drug, vampires stopped sucking blood from necks. The nation rejoiced!
However, there was an unanticipated side effect: vampires now craved peanut butter and sucked it from jars. Before long, they eliminated the nationís entire supply, including stocks earmarked for free distribution to senior citizens. This caused the great Peanut Butter Famine Riots of 2009 in which millions of disgruntled seniors, peanut butter lovers, and fans of blood-sucking vampire literature tore up the nationís cities.
Zanker was sued by movie and TV studios, the Amalgamated Brotherhood of Horror Writers, and the Association For The Advancement of Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich Eaters. Complaining bitterly to the Supreme Court, they proclaimed, "We want our beloved, blood-sucking vampires back. Who wants to read stories or see movies about hokey, peanut butter sucking vampires? Who wants to eat lousy-tasting, soy, peanut butter substitutes?"
Congress declared peanut butter an endangered species. The Court found Zanker guilty of destroying an entire literary genre and causing the near extinction of a beloved commodity. Declaring him Public Enemy Number One, they executed him on live TV. The nation rejoiced!
After a herculean effort rivaling the project to put a man on the Moon, an antidote was discovered. Soon, vampires once again preferred human blood to peanut butter. A National Holiday was declared. The nation rejoiced!
Note well, Do-Gooders: donít screw with the status quo like Zanker. Remember: no good deed ever goes unpunished.
submitted at 6:00pm
24 May 2009
Michael's stories have been published by 108 magazines and 30 anthologies.