BBC Gardeners' Question Time
'BBC Gardeners' Question Time today comes from Floribunda-by-the-water. This hamlet has changed little in one hundred years – except for the arrival of electricity and, most recently, fibre-optic broadband.
'Our first question comes from Mrs Iris Rose.'
'Well... I was going to ask about aphids on plum trees, but I looked it up on the Internet, and I fully understand the solution now. ... Sorry.'
'Oh!... Thank you Mrs Rose. Let's move on, then, to Mr Basil Sage.'
'Um... it's a bit embarrassing. I intended to ask about multiple roots in carrots but, like Iris, I googled it, and I now know what to do.'
'Oh dear... however, at least your problem's solved, Mr Sage. Perhaps the panel can consider Miss Holly Cedar's concern about poor onion growth.'
'I'm Holly Cedar... I feel awful. I was trying to wait until this show was recorded, but my onions weren't growing. Then I had a bit too much to drink, and I went online and discovered the high fertilisation needs of alliums. I hate myself as I don't have a question now.'
'Don't worry, Miss Cedar, it could happen to anyone. There must be someone here with a question. ... Everyone's shaking their heads. Are you all on the Internet? ... Everyone's nodding their heads. In that case, this brings us to the end of this week's Gardeners' Question Time. Listeners can now enjoy an unscheduled twenty-five minutes of light classical music.
Next week, BBC Gardeners' Question time comes from the Shetlands where there isn't yet a bloody Internet connection.'