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Brad Explained

The life of Brad was nasty, short and brutish. "Nasty" because his life brimmed with nasts. "Short" because he had been a midget. And "brutish" because... Actually, I meant "broodish."

When I say he "had been" a midget, I mean at one point he got a height operation. But as it happened at age 57, he can still be described as "short" according to the Law of Averages.

Brad was born and reared in Normal, Illinois. Normal, incidentally, was also Brad's favorite Garfield character. "Normal rocks," he would say.

One time, he said this on a date with a geologist, and the phrase pirouetted into a higher dimension.

Whenever phrases dance out of a dimension, a quantity of energy equal to the phrase must be returned to the original. In the case of Brad, "Normal rocks" was traded for a bead of moisture, manifesting from the beyond in the geologist's panties.

That Normal was Brad's favorite Garfield character was somewhat contradictory. If you recall, Brad was broodish. Normal is not broodish. Normal is upbeat. Perhaps Brad longed to be so too.

The reason for Brad's broodishness is unclear. Very possibly it derived from an unlucky pattern of moles that obstructed the flow of his skin chi. A less accepted theory also circulates that he wasn't broodish at all, but just nearsighted. He refused to wear glasses or contacts and often squinted. The squints could have been perceived as scowls.

Regardless, the life of Brad was definitely (on average) short and nasty. Very, very nasty.

Story by:

Matthew Ivan Bennett

submitted at 4:31pm

14 March 2012